A small addition to the previouse post

Dammit I should have found this link to the Animals song first, its fantastic, the energy, the noise, the riffs, the raw power wow.The singing ain't as good but I would draw your attention to the Bass player, enough to make the difference I think. She reminds me of some one just cant think who? Wonder if Fabio can help me out? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5Ep0TU9h58&feature=related Do not forget to watch part two, yes it is that long and yes it is worth it.

ENJOY" From a now very hyper Lambo!

Best Pal stands me up

Yep the swine stood me up, well okay he rang to cancel so no football watching for me. Listened to both games on the radio though and they were both very good. Man City were robbed of a point, not that Man united players, officials, or fans will see it that way but that's the joy of football.

Spurs were pretty well out played and lost 3-0. I know one young man that will be a bit upset but since me and him will be going to see Spurs at White heart lane early November I think he will recover soon enough. On yersell Kev. Despite being a Tottenham fan for a while this will be his first ever game so it should be fun. Sunderland are the opposition so fingers crossed for a win to get his attendance of to a good start, or else uncle George will be buying the beer all night as if that's not going to happen whatever the score is! Just in case any one is reaching for the phone to report impending child abuse Kevin is well over the legal age, just a bit of a late developer in terms of match attendance. Bless

Went for a swim this morning and I had a good 20 mins of pounding up and down the pool, so feel a bit better about things. Although many things about going to the pool make me laugh, like the way the old folks pile in early in the morning and do as much standing chatting as they do swimming. This is strange given that they are standing in little pods of 2 up to 5 all over the pool meaning that me and everyone else who actually wants to swim has the task and added bonus of performing somersaults, emergency stops, sharp turns and generally dealing with an ever changing environment.

The other thing and I do love the old folk they are a good laugh, but why get up at a ridicules time to stand about in pretty cold water sometimes up to their oxters. (If you don't know look it up I am no tellin ye.) gabbing away. Why not just go for a coffee, or stand in the car park, or swim first then do either of the other two. But they are good fun though especially when they get in to talking about who died at the weekend, and other stories of interest.

As I was getting out of the pool the aquafit for the over 50 was starting, its like a combo of dance and movement but held in water. They have a pretty big sound system and the music they play to get the folks moving is always good. This morning though I both laughed and felt sad when I heard the first tune. Mainly it was laughter as it seemed possibly the worst choice ever for an over fifty movement aquafit class on a dreich (look it up) day in Leith. I say sad but in reality that was quickly replaced by feeling uplifted by knowing good things do happen to us all. The song reminded me of my friends Sandy, Fabio, and Matt, to some extent it was also about feeling sorry for myself but I saw through that quickly enough and turned it in to a positive. So yes I know your jumping up and down shouting "what was the song" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jxNEiZhpinY go watch it in good health and peace.

A MAN WITH A PLAN

It's a nice day outside blue sky and warm sunshine, a good day to watch football so thats my plan. Man City take on Man United and then Spurs play play Chelsea. Whilst in Scotland Cetic play Hearts, I know one hoop boy who will be dissapointed if that match is not on telly. But not to worry Malkie whilst were watching my City lads do a number on Fergies fella's we can keep track of the score vie text. You know that I am as interested in seeing the Jambos get a gubbin as you are!!


So thats my plan for the day, it will be a way to stay off the computer.

Be well everyone.

Rollercoaster

Wow what a few months I have had, feels like I have been on a roller coaster of events and emotions for such a long time. Some very big highs and some stomach churning lows as well as a lot of time flatlining.

So much to fit in and its not going to get done, so I have to choose what to do in this small attempt to get back to some kind of writing.

It's important to me at least to pay my respects to three people who mean more to me life to me. Who in the last 3-4 months have shown me what love and Kindness as well as passion and excitement are all about. All three though have also shown what being human is all about and also someone needs to read to the end to see that I am thinking of them also said. "Life is a journey and on that journey we take many roads. We never know where these roads lead and so we never know the outcome of our journey"

so I name Claire, Sandy, and Fabio. especially Fabio as I have never met the man although I will soon, yet through Sandy he has bean a part of my life for the last few months. He and I share many things but are never going to be in competition. We, so I am told have similar outlooks and views on how to treat people which fills me so full of happiness, I dont envy him or want to be him, I do not want to reduce in any way his ability to enjoy what he has. He has shown me something of myself that I do not acknowledge too often and that is I may be try and be sensible and "clever" but that's a pretence as we are emotional beings and that showing and talking about emotions is one of the most important things that humans can do.

We both know in our ways what is is like to be unsure about ourselves and not know what others are feeling and see that as a reason to be distant. However recently we have both tried to change that and have been rewarded enormously for our courage. I wish my new friend Fabio every happiness and a long life with a woman who is special to both of us and who needs you more than anyone else.

Working backwards here so it will be Sandy next, I have been so very stupid and not read what you have written previously as you meant them. This makes a difference not because it means anything different and not because it changes anything. But I gained a new insight by revisiting what you said, I now understand how much of a surprise it was for you to meet me and also how the result of that was again something that took you by surprise. If anything it makes me feel much more secure and more appreciative of your tenacity and desire to keep in contact even though I was trying to do my usual macho "let me be thing" Words I thought were something I did well, but you with help from others have shown me that I fear myself more than I can express in words. You are so special to me as you know, I hope you read what I say to Fabio and know that it applies to you too.

Well that leaves the last but not least in any way, the opposite in fact. Claire has been the one that has been on the receiving end of a lot of the highs and lows if I went through them, then she unfortunately came with me without being asked if she wanted to or not. If we never go on these roller coaster rides we never learn, I am as sure as I can be that we must keep learning and never become too comfortable with what we have and what we think. Sometimes it means you pushing me out of my comfort zone, being more proactive and less comfortable. It I hope will make us happier and stronger.
I say to all three that after the last week I know that I am loved and appreciated and I return it to you as best I can.

I want to say to Matt though that you were the one that talked about the need to write things down as well as the journey. I hope you continue to do so and that your journey is also helped by the people who love and care for you, I see myself in that group so I tell you I will be with you. My last week was echoed in a very strange way by your own, as we discussed. I found comfort and strength in talking to you I am here or in the pub any time you say.

Health and wellness to you all, I would wish happiness but thats as Sandy knows is not something anyone has to give to someone else .

Learning from the past

I am sitting listening to a radio phone in about the war in Afghanistan, as normal a range of arm chair generals and political leaders are having a portion of their 15 minutes. I have my views and as you would expect they do not coincide with all those on air.

One of the biggest points of divergence is history it should be something that people take as a point of reference not particularly a point of difference.
History is not a neutral subject, after all history is written by the victors so the saying goes.

Although in these days of twitter and other instant messaging systems who wins and more importantly how they win a war, a battle, or even a popular uprising is contested. Also national mythologies that add to the way that people see themselves using cultural queue's to skew historical fact is common, like the Balkan peoples who revisit ancient battles over and over to underpin their sense of victim hood, they do so not in the political sphere but in art, song, and poetry in other words their cultural backdrop.
The Scots are often accused of a certain amount of "chippiness" in relation to their southern neighbours. This chip was highlighted and deepened by Mel Gibson in his almost entirely fictional film "Braveheart", it might have done much to increase Scottish identity at home and abroad, and it probably increased the notion that the Scots were a viable people with a united cause even though no such thing as a homogeneous nation exists.

However Like the Balkans nations repeating the sins and the sinners against each of them, Mel and his "Braveheart" allowed the Scots to over look the inconvenience of historical fact being trampled underfoot. Much in the same way it seems to me that those who argue that we should withdraw from Afghanistan would have us do.

Their argument seems to be two fold:
1 No one has ever subdued the different tribes so why bother trying to now. Let's pull out and leave them to run their own country as they want, the price we are paying is too high.
2 Our troops are dying because they have the wrong equipment and or not enough of the right equipment. We should leave if we cannot give the troops the things they need, and it is the fault of the government that as a money saving principle will not fund the equipment.

My interest in these sentiments is not in the truth of these claims, or even refuting them. My interest is purely in the way that history is used to justify these stand points. History as I said is not neutral and neither is it meant to be reduced to mere facts and figures, a set of cold statistics, dates, blood lines, or litanies of who did what to whom. History is meant to be used to inform discussion not be the start and end point of a discussion.

An example would be the second of the 2 points of view: Historically the troops landing on the beaches of Normandy in 1944 had superior fire power, manpower, intelligence, and numbers of machines, than the defending forces ranged against them. However even with all these advantages plus the additional leg up offered by the inability of the Germans to committee resources and men as a result of being pressed hard by Russian forces on the eastern front, it took the allies over two months to break out at the cost of many thousands of lives, many more than had been bargained for.

In part this cost in lives was a failure to equip properly as the German tanks and artillery were much better even though fewer in number than those in use in the allied armies. their tanks for example could sustain direct hits from most of the armour in use by the allies, whilst the allied tanks were out gunned and less well armoured. It was also a failure in organisation in that the allies organised themselves differently and so therefore good practice was slow to be recognised and adopted, therefore lives were wasted by employing outdated methods and tactics. Above all though the Germans just like the Afghans had the natural lay of the land working for them not just in the way they were able to use them to their advantage, but also because they were able to adapt themselves more easily to suit the surrounding landscape. Hedgerows were littered with mines, booby traps, anti personnel, and vehicle devices. Many thousands of people not just armed service personnel died as a result, and many more suffered horrendous life changing injuries.

The phrase boots on the ground is not just a euphemism for more troops, it is an actual military imperative. You cannot clear out caves, or hedge rows from a tank. No helicopter will help you locate hidden munitions, or booby trapped vehicles, houses, or bridges. Human service personnel because they are human have always been the most vulnerable to damage, until they are no longer on the battlefield they will remain so.

As I said history should not be fixed or seen as something that has no lessons for now or for times to come. Perhaps history tells us to plan better, listen, more, fight much less. What it absolutely tells us though is that war, any war results in death. Those that want to use history to tell us that death can and should be eliminated by having the right equipment or more money being spent on equipment fail to acknowledge that history shows us only that equipment is only as good as the use it is put to, and the conditions that it has to deal with.

History has nothing to say though on why and where we fight. If it did it might point to the unification of Germany, or Italy. Both achieved by force of arms, both resulted in nations that although we may think of as being former enemies, will at least be recognised as working democratic, and stable countries offering a unique in put to the countries and people of the rest of the world. History might even lead us in a discussion on why we put up with the massive losses suffered on the first day of the Somme in 1916, a battle in a war that had people asking from even before war was declared.
"why we were fighting for a country that had nothing to do with them."
The invasion of Belgium was the official cause of our entrance in to the great war, because the British government had said it wold defend its allies if attacked.

If people would use history as a tool and not a justification for action or inaction, we might be able to stop armchair generals and prime ministers from wasting their breath. It might also allow us to talk openly about the value we place on life and if the death of one servicemen is one too many in the pursuit of ideals, then we need to be clear on what ideals we as a nation wish to pursue.

Busy week

So have not been on all week as with one thing and another I have not had the time.

Monday I went to one of my the three favourite cafes in Edinburgh http://www.caffelucano.co.uk/ to meet with Hazel. It was a humid day but no direct sunlight so not a day for the window seat from which tourists and workers can be observed passing to and fro. No problem as Lucano has a diverse clientele ranging from the odd person of uncertain means down on there luck as well as their uppers, through to very well to do members of the judiciary fresh from the proceedings at one of the 3 court houses close by. School children old ladies, working people in high viz vests, executives in expensive suits, women who lunch to mothers who gabble amongst themselves about children, homes, holidays, and others who are not present. Students at the university just up the road as well as a great many like me who are students of life and humanity. In short a great place for people watching.

As is my want I get there about 1 and a half hours earlier so I can get a plate of their fantastic minestrone, the people watching lives up to expectation but the minestrone is gone so it has to be lentil soup instead. Never mind thought its still a good plate of soup and lovely crusty bread.

Hazel arrives with a surprise she has brought along Kate hooray, long time since I have seen Kate so it is a real treat. Hazel and Kate recently decided to get engaged which is great news as it keep them both from hanging around street corners, and takes the stress of looking out for them both of us. Good for you both very pleased that you two are sorted. I just have to get, Sam, Gina, and Malkie sorted as well as the whole world poverty thing and then my work here is done.

So after a catch up very little of it about Hazel and Kate much more on Hazels course and job prospects, I left them with their beacon butties and went to do an errand that I cannot divulge much about at the moment. What I can say though is that the time was about 4.30pm by the time I had finished, I was hot thirsty and just a little stressed. I went to one of the many bars in the area I was in and had a bottle of very passable blue moon wheat beer http://www.bluemoonbrewingcompany.co.uk/ not as good as Belgian wheat beer, but it helped cool me down.

I must have been much hotter than I thought as 5 hours later having visited three other bars I got home, cooler but pretty much wasted. Ah well it's not like I have work to get up for, this disability thing needs to have some upsides or else it would be called normality and those who do not have mental or physical life affecting conditions would be the disadvantaged ones.

The hangover kept Tuesday to a minimum, although as penance I did hoover and tidy round.

Yesterday I went to a meeting at the housing association that we rent from. The idea was to give them feedback on the material that they produce. Well it was transport and lunch provided so why not. I did have another reason for going and that was to get a feel for the much heralded commitment to building communities and supporting tenants participation. I have been thinking for a while about seeing if people in the same development want to start a tenants group. We do not have many problems, litter, people leaving stuff in places they shouldn't that kind of stuff. However as this development gets older problems might start to appear, also were lucky that although we have a wide variety of tenants we have no real problem tenants. What if a family of thugs moved in? We would stand a much better chance of getting the situation sorted if we were a group not just individuals.

So the meeting was OK it covered the ground that it was supposed to, although the feeling that we were their to do someone else's job persisted for most of the meeting. It was the others who attended that interested me: On the down side I was the youngest by about 10 years which was a not unexpected disappointment. What also transpired was that every other tenant there took an active interest in both the development that they live in and the governance of the housing association, an unpleasant and unexpected finding.

A range of committees and panels exist to help guide the association which I am now thinking about getting involved with. Also as a direct result of yesterday and being enthused by the other tenants at the meeting, I am writing to all of my neighbours inviting them to help me set up a communal get together that will be part BBQ and part Ceilidh. That should give me the backdoor to introduce the idea of a tenants group.

Well that takes us to today as you see I am catching up on the blog, whilst I wait for the local kids to come out in numbers so that I can get them to deliver the flyer's about the get together.
I need to try and do some work on another writing project as well as blog on some of my friends who I have not introduced you too. Lots to do and little talent to do it with.

Writing what I feel is supposed to be part of the reason for keeping this blog in existence, some days though I don't know what I feel.
More accurately I feel nothing or what I do feel is so intangible, whispery, and formless that it is like a snowflake. It no sooner forms it's shape before it begins to disintegrate leaving an impression of something, but not a whole thing.

Ok so I am not being particularly clear, when I say I feel nothing it's like an emptiness a void that I have slipped in to. I have no emotions or no feelings about anything, or any one. People and events around me seem like they are behind glass and that I am only an observer. Even that notion of being an observer seems to active, a rock on the shore that sits and allowes the the surf to break over it is more me. I think I have identified that on those days I need human contact the most, someone to hold me or jut be with me, not talking or engaging with me, just allowing me to find my way back from the void. Who knows it might be a product of the boredom an extreme form of escapism, bored with me so become the environment or the actual space that I inhabit.

Trying to think and write about these feelings or that state of existence is very much like I am over analysing things way too much. My mind rebels at the idea of exploring this as I half convince myself I am making something out of nothing.

How it would be to be dead, the quiet and the stillness of being dead, the peace for me and others if I were dead, the hope that being dead is something that will take place in the not to distant future. Although this is warped thinking it is what I do so and feel, that aint nothing.

Again if nothing is there if I am BORED or imagining my own troubles how can I have got to a place where I hate myself so much. I have turned in on myself because I am bored is that it.

But then I was not always bored I have been active and engaged in life but still wanted to be dead, in fact in the past during the times when I was busy I would think about killing myself, how to, and where, and when. At least I do not go that far now, I still self harm with food and booze, I know the things that would change me physically and probably mentally as well. Exercise fresh air etc, so why don't I do them, is it because I am lazy fat and stupid that a part of me yells in my head, or is it I just want to be dead. I wish I knew.

Ok so it feels like I am rejecting the boredom answer, something has been wrong for much longer than I probably want to concede, Boredom does not make an impact on how I feel about myself, even when I do well I still feel that I should and could have done better and the reason I did not do as well as I should have is that I am fat lazy and stupid. I am fat lazy and stupid I don't deserve to be anything else than that. My past is constantly with me I will never atone for past mistakes, I will never allow myself to be free of guilt for things long ago done. I hurt myself now far more than I hurt any one previously, I will only stop using myself against myself when I am dead. This death thing does seem to come round allot in my head.

What this post has been about is mainly me experimenting with just sitting down and writing what ever comes in my head when I think about why I am the way I am. I doubt it will make any sense to me in a couple of days time so if it makes no sense now to anyone else that's fine.