Nothing

Not saying much today, as I feeliing your basic brain dead. Not sure if I need more sleep or it's the depression/boredom, but putting one word next to anothe is like running a marathon complete with walls that I keep hitting.

Hope every one is well and I look forward to telling you about some people soon.

Happy Mondays

Hello to you all, I hope you are all well and in one piece after the weekend. We have had a mixed weekend, some pain, some routine cleaning, some decision making about holidays and a huge dollop of wonder accompanied by stress.

I am sure it will be the last on the list that you will have caught your interest most, if indeed any one wanted to hear about the house cleaning then I will certainly oblige, however I intended to tell you about the wonder and stress from the start.

So last night Sunday the 28th at roughly 8.30pm Claire in a rather startled and panicky voice announces "That's not right". I enquire the cause of her puzzlement.
Silence
40 seconds pass, long enough for me to assume that the panic was either a false alarm or a solution to the problem had been found when one again "That's not right" came from Claire's lips although this time in a more incredulous rather than startled voice.

So this time I employed a different tactic, I do not just pretend to be interested I pull my chair back and look in her direction to give full weight to the sound of my inquiry being a genuine and eager attempt to help.

She announces that last Monday, a week ago today a mystery deposit of £20.0000 had appeared in to our current account, and this being the first time she had checked the account online in a week was also the first we knew of it. This indeed was startling and shocking news, not to mention Claire had been gripped with fear at this sudden appearance of such a large amount of dosh.

We were both silent for a moment or two and then started throwing out improbable origins of the money.
Had we one the Lottery? We thought that was not the answer as they would surly have told us, plus the stumbling bloke of our refusal to buy lottery tickets made this very unlikely.

Had our premium bonds come up? Again unlikely for the same first reason as the lottery, but we do indeed have premium bonds so it remains an outside possibility.

Had someone died and left us an amount of money? It shocked us to think that we had descended so quickly in to the levels of fiction combined with nonsensical logic. Not that we are unimaginative, or posses no talent for believing in miracles. Claire is a Christan and I am a Hibs supporter so we know about long term belief in miracles. To think though that we arrived so quickly at such a level of suspended disbelief was a wake up call about ourselves. The inescapable conclusion was that it is a mistake, and now we have to decide what to do about it.

The temptation to say nothing and quietly spend it or siphon it in to other accounts would have been irresistible to some. The advice pages of papers, magazines, and Internet sites regularly host to tales similar to ours where the money has indeed been spent, the mistake noticed and the bank or whoever starts asking for the money back. We knew it was not ours so the only way we could live with ourselves was to go and tell the bank so.
That decision made did we relax? No we did not.
Claire spent the next hour feeling creeped out by this intrusion in to our private banking affairs, then she spent the hour after that worrying that at any second the front door would be booted in by the police accusing us of money laundering, drug running, theft, bank robbery, any number of crimes. I say Claire worried but I also gave some passing thought to how we would explain the money when challenged by authority figures. I though tried hard not to think about the money as I knew I would have it spent 6 times over if I gave it any thought, which would make the "giving it back" more painful than necessary.

Well this morning we went to report the foul deed and get what we thought were our justly deserved congratulations on being honest and upright citizens. We were just a little taken aback by being told that the chap we spoke to had no idea where the money had come from, and that he would have to pass the case to someone else. This someone else will phone this afternoon to tell us what they have found out. So here I am waiting in all day for a phone call that will tell me bad news. It is not a new experience but sitting knowing for sure it is bad news and desperately wanting to here the bad news is somewhat different. I was hoping to do other things today and indeed the sun is starting to break through the clouds that has shrouded Leith all day, me though I am stuck waiting for the call that despite telling us we are twenty thousand pounds less well of, will at least give us back our calm boring world. Happy Mondays indeed.

NOT A GOOD DAY

Just a short post today as I am in pain and just cannot be bothered doing much today. Just at the moment most of my joints are in some stage of open revolt. Left knee and ankle are leading the revolt with increasing levels of pain and tension in my ligaments and muscles. However elbows and shoulders as well as toes have all shown an interest in registering their unhappiness.

What the complaint is, I have no idea. Perhaps that the weather has changed dramatically, from Sunny and warm it is cloudy overcast and cold. Traditionally bad weather for arthritis type joint pain.

There is no need to be in pain however as most long term disabled or sick people know a huge range of pain relief exists. Pharmaceuticals as well as heat gels and pads are available, as well as the teas and candles for those of that way of thinking. Me though I sit or lie in pain till I cannot take any more. I cannot explain why any better than to tell you that I find the pain a comfort, it is me. It is my life, it is what I know best. I can relate to it and deal with it.

I know it sounds crazy and it probably is perhaps just a reflection of being in pain. I suspect though that others similar to me might understand what I mean. If you do leave a message and let me know.

I cannot leave this post with out saying how sad I am that M. JACKSON is dead and that for those interested in music as well as the joy that he gave to millions he should be mourned.

Talking quietly and NOT carrying a stick at ALL!

It has been a pretty TopsyTurvey world the last few months for every one, banks, age old high street brands, pensions, and confidence in the world as we thought we knew it. All disappearing like "snow of a dyke" as the Scots saying goes.

Undoubtedly lives have been ruined, and more importantly peoples hopes and dreams for their family and themselves have been crushed, sometimes overnight or even in the space of an afternoon. Perhaps this is the biggest single area of damage done by the global crises including the swine flue outbreak, people entrench themselves and their views, protecting themselves to the detriment of others, looking after number one and their own suddenly becomes all consuming.

People lose sight of hope and ambition, and in general settle for less not expect more of themselves and the society they live in. We saw it about bankers pay off's and pensions, we saw it again this week with the strikes about redundancies, and of course we saw it about MP's expenses. The blame game and the baying for blood were the soundtrack, not the voices that were saying the system is broke lets make a better one.

On the level of looking to vent anger and to apportion blame I think it's a human that we react emotionally and not rationally. The more so as those that seem to have screwed us over seem to have already fled the scene or get to flee, with there lives more or less intact. Even those that have been publicly put in the stocks the sacrificial goats if you like are paid handsomely to divert the attention of the mob and let both other culprits and the system that's broke get away like a cat bugler with the loot and a plan to lie low till it's quieter.

The mob face poverty and debt as well as social, medical, and emotional melt down. Is this the true nature of globalisation, the more we pull ourselves apart in our drive to pursue individualism, the more the poor in Caracas feel the recession started in Washington, via the vast middle class of Britain. Then again I was never a fan of poor people being paid a pittance to supply richer people with stuff they don't need, or capitalism to give it it's proper name.

The mob though has a massive flaw. They tend to be wrong most of the time, as in the looking after number one mindset. It may seem like a perfectly rational thing to do, but when has protectionism ever worked? It has lead to wars, nationalism the bad kind, racism, eugenics, and other forms of discrimination too many to count.

The mob breads fear, they form a collective against difference and change. Mobs run amok with conspiracy theories and imagined enemies either taking their jobs, land, or culture away from them. They become so paranoid that people have to die sometimes in large numbers in order for enough people to snap out of their collective madness.

We all have a responsibility to not be part of the mob, we all need to step up with our own ideas and thoughts, not just regurgitate what others have said, or believe facts as told to you by a newspaper or some guy in the pub. Think for yourself should be tattooed on one arm, and critical thinking should be taught from nursery all the way through school.

Lastly we should all communicate our thoughts in our own communities so that other people who live in the same areas as each other can test out your ideas and thoughts against their own experience and logic. Phoning shock jocks writing to national papers, appearing on day time telly either to defend or decry people or things you have no immediate personal knowledge of, is not 15 minutes of fame, it is declaring you are part of the mob and so likely to be part of the problem.

Where we are now

So I said lots of stuff had happened since the end of the last session of Blogging and the start of this one, and I also said that I would fill in some of the history. Well as they say at the start of most American series:


"Previously on planet Lambo"

HOME
We left Carrrick Know Loan about 15 months ago now for sunnier shores, to be geographically informative we now live in Leith. It is true the Sunshine's on Leith each and every day just as the song says http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NzPmtQTuVI but perhaps it is more to do with feeling like I have come home.
My Dad and his large family, and extended family all come from Leith so it's like a back to the roots thing. It's odd but being in Leith is definitely a change from anywhere else. The feeling that this is a distinct community, with a strong sense of it's identity, history, and purpose has lent a personal feeling of belonging to the move. Goes with out saying that these strong shared comunity perceptions are under constant attack from the passing of those individuals who are steeped in the lore and the history of Leith, as well as redevelopment bringing people from all over the world in to the area. However as long as the history of Leith is available for people to investigate for themselves I think people will always "feel" like Leithers. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leith

The house we moved to is 98% perfect, the other 2% is just proof that perfection is a concept that is useful to aspire too and damn difficult to achieve. It is fully wheelchair accessible, large wet room, huge hall, front and back doors (2 back doors actually) as level as thy can be, given that we still live in Scotland and we need a little lip to keep the rain out. Kitchen that has enough space for a full size table AND room to circulate in a chair. The one thing that could have been included is toilet just off the bedroom, this would have made things easier on days when not just lower limbs are talking back to me, but elbows and shoulders as well.

The last comment about limbs and shoulders and stuff, becomes less important when you look at it as something other than a place to eat sleep and watch daytime television. The house, it's location just yards away from shops, pubs, bus stops, huge public park, neighbours that I interact with all improve the quality of my life.

Don't get me wrong I am as buggered as I always was, physically nothing will change that. But the days of being in enough pain to justify taking the more extreme levels of pain killers, and having to just stay absolutely still have definitely decreased. I am also more mobile even going to the local shop on foot which is a change for the better. Doing more housework, keeping the place tidy, doing the laundry etc, Claire thinks that is change for the better. :) Seeing more of my friends so being less isolated. However I look at it the move, and this house have been as good as a new lease of life.

All this and we also by the skin of our teeth sold the house in Carrick Knowe Loan weeks before the housing bubble burst making a,profit so we have no money problems long term. We also know that as this is a housing association place we will never have to worry about the repairs or any other housing costs for the rest of our lives. If things go badly we can claim housing benefit, if things go well we can use surplus money to help others as we have already.

We know how lucky we have been, we also know that some people thought we were mad to give up the whole rat run that home ownership has become. We had people praying that we would find a way to make our debt larger in terms of getting another loan, or that we could find a way to magically find another £300 pounds income each month.
My politics meant that I drove us foreword to this change, I wanted us to get away from the huge debt of a mortgage. I believe in affordable rented housing as the first option not as a second best or "poor" persons option. I also know though that these days millions of people especially disabled people who need the type of house and the change in life opportunities that I have had will be forced to live a life in poverty and probably have an earlier death than necessary.

So for me the "Sunshine" is indeed on Leith.

Here comes the sun

Well another day and even more amazingly another day where the sun is splitting the paving stones. Global warming might be a danger to millions, and apart from the constant threat of a rogue meteor global warming presents the biggest threat to the planet. On the other hand the purely selfish and up to now fantasy based idea that Scotland would one day rival California or Florida in terms of being seen as the best most fun place to live, work, and holiday now seems to be less of a fantasy and now a vague hope.

If we really tried hard we could turn Edinburgh in to the new St Tropez, indeed plans are all ready in place to construct a board walk that would wind it's way round a 17km stretch of the coastline. OK the down side is that the coast is of the Firth of Forth and not the Med, plus despite the gentrification of large parts of Leith and Granton I cannot see the likes of George Clooney, or Rihanna wandering with out a care through some of the "ahem" less developed areas.

Actually given Edinburgh attempt at taking it's self back to the inter war years of the 1930's by reintroducing a tram system which is generally unwanted by the residents of Edinburgh, is costing so much that the city will have finances and services that are at the same levels as the 1930's we will be unable to build the board walk. Add to that the chaos of the major road and pavement arteries in Edinburgh being ripped up for the best part of 2 years destroying both jobs and the enjoyment of living in one of Europes most beautiful cities and you have to wonder if any one will be here to enjoy the fantastic weather that allows stunning views of Edinburgh and the Surrounding Scottish countryside.

Hang on though the huge long trenches that have been dug all over Edinburgh to move cables and utilities, as well as lay the tram rails of course could be Incorporated in to a better idea that would help us regenerate Edinburgh Economy, give the place the wow factor before the global warming hits, and bring back the pride of those people lucky enough to live in Edinburgh.

What happens is this, we make the trenches wider and deeper. We then Join them all up, fill them with water and go for Venice instead of St Tropez. Once the Global warming hits we beat the crap out of California, Thailand, all of the Med, and Australia.
ME FOR SCOTTISH FIRST MINISTER.

Edinburgh is also known as "The Athens of the North" so the "Venice o the Celts" sounds good to me. I have a couple of links for folk if they want to do background reading.

Tales from the dark side.

I had said that I was going to do a serious minded thing on either politics or activism, guess what I am not. Shock horror Lambo says one thing and then does another.

What happened is all to do with family, Yes I know I used the F word but I am not in the least apologetic as out if the disaster area of the Lambo family inter action, has risen a shining spire of hope, and as a by product of the eruptions that lead to this revival of hope I have learned a few lessons.

So who amongst us does not feel the cold fingers of fear when someone announces a family conference has been called. I know I am not alone when I say that my family is as functional as a canoeist with out a paddle. The canoe floats but it does not go anywhere, nor can it get out of the creek filled with smelly stuff, nor can it save it's self from the oncoming tide of smelly stuff. So it's broke, and the many attempts to fix it in the past have only served to rock the canoe filling it up with smelly stuff, rather than adding to anything positive. If this were your family and I know many people have families who are very similar to mine then you may be aware of the near panic that I felt as I entered the room of members of my family, the feeling had something of walking in to the lions den shortly before feeding time about it.

However two things were positive from the outset. The First was that the meeting had been called by my Niece M, she lives along way away so that every one knew that something of importance was to be discussed. This I think was acknowledged because people made the effort to be there. Secondly I have not seen M for many months and as kids I was really rotten to her but that passed and we did for a while in our teens get on quite well. I had not seen her for a long while so it was going to be good to see her no matter what we talked about. Besides as she constantly reminds me she can run faster than me so although apprehensive I was feeling positive.

This was challenged straight away by the news that the status quo would have to change in respect of the arrangements to do with who looks after my dad. At the moment my sister does the care giving which is much more about keeping the house and our father clean and tidy. Now though sis is not well and the stress of "doing" for the old fella is adding to her ill health, and not giving her time to deal with her own situations. On the face of it it would seem a fairly straight foreword discussion. Sis cannot continue how do we organise things now.

That though is where families that have broken down tend to find the issues get complicated.

Was there a shared view of what the problems were?NO

Was there a willingness or an understanding that change needed to happen? NO

Are people ready to see that even simple things like civility to others in the family might achieve something? Again NO.

But then it hit me that these contested areas were now the problem and not who does what, how, or when. M had come in and had to throw out all the crap that me, my other siblings, and our father were carrying around with us.

One huge area was that the old fella like other older folk, is not realistic when it comes to saying what he can or cannot manage. If this is pride or lack of ability to see his faults we could argue till were blue in the face. However from experience he does not do some basic stuff and that needs managed. The other side of that though is his lack of willingness to see any one else doing these things but my sister. Having no stranger in the house is as close to the 11th commandment as it can get from my dad's perspective. Partly it is the old fashioned idea of families looking after there own. When I say families the expectation is that it will be a female member of the family, and since my sis, M's mother is the only one then the expectation is on her. So here we have one of the central knots in this problem. However it strikes me that in this country this is a class based notion, after all the idea of cleaning ladies working for busy professional people, or in large houses has been the norm for years. Working class people though are meant to take pride in managing for themselves, be proud that they can re arrange their own dust or just put up with the dust in the same place if they are not able to clean for themselves.

I say here that I did not share the expectation of my sister taking on the care role, mainly as since I have been disabled since birth, and so mixed with both careers and disabled people I was aware that this is a cultural myth that society keeps telling it's self. This myth that a family member, as said normally a female family member, looks after one or even two other people in the same family saves the state millions in health care as well as social service costs each year. This fact is not lost on governments and as such the women who do this care are normally called heroes but treated like villains, offered prizes for being selfless and conforming to societies wishes. Denied however a decent income, state pension credits, or even a recognised contribution to the running of our communities and our country.

As M was describing and very fairly saying that her mother could no longer provide the care as she was doing, the first of many revelations came to me. Despite having argued that after our fathers last trip in to hospital my sis should not take on the care role, when she did it, it went unchallenged. I could have done that, but did not mainly because of the dysfunctional state of the family.

Then when M started going on to the subject of civility something else clicked into place, and here is the main point of what I am saying in this piece.

As a dysfunctional family we have become adept at dealing with each other, mainly by having as little contact as we possibly can, or by keeping the contact level that we do have to the most basic of levels. As M pointed out though too basic even to say "hi", or to acknowledge that we are moving in to a shared space, like a communal house. In fact we had instituted our own safety barriers so well that we had started to dehumanise other members of our own family. As M was saying this of course it caused more than a little discomfort, like being voted the worlds worst dressed man, it hurts but you know its truth. Also again just like the worst dressed thing you know the solution to the problem is not so much that it is simple to fix nor that it will take so little effort to achieve the fix, but the problem arose because we gave up.

To protect ourselves we said things that had no meaning, we listened with no interest. Worse we passed judgment on others using different standards than those we afford ourselves. Thinking of minimising the damage may have been about protecting ourselves but we forgot that when we did have to share time together it would be harder and more painful because we had forgotten how to even acknowledge each other as humans. All M was saying was that family occasions would be spent with people who at least respected other people, family members would be listened too and disagreed with if necessary but with out resorting to walking out or name calling and or worse. All of these including the worse have been outcomes in my family before now. The change would be brought about just by some common civility and a willingness to use that civility at all times. The implementation of regular contact to pass along information using the civility would at least remind people more often that we are humans not jut tribal members.

Will the change mean that we will turn into a TV family like the Walton's, nope nor will it help fix any of the long term feelings of hurt that members of the family have with each other. It will not fix relationships that are broke and no one wants to fix, although it could open the door to these possibilities, however as M put it that once the old fella dies it will be in all likely hood the last time that we gather as a family. To think it might end in any of the usual ways is pretty bad, what came as more of a surprise though is that no one wanted to think about our own deaths and how they would be not mourned by the family that we have been part of all our lives.

It has been difficult writing this piece as the events and the change in mind set is still a little raw, how it pans out who knows, but M did something that took bravery and nerve. OK it was motivated by self interest but that's not the point, other options were available but she still choose the the most difficult and the one with the least chance of anyone saying thank you. So M thank you. Difficult job pretty well done and something I will not forget.

How to tell the good news from the bad!

I had my preliminary interview with the community Psychiatric Nurse on Wednesday, and what do you know I am neither mad or bad I am "Bored". This is fantastic news as I was beginning to think that sitting around watching telly, or playing computer games, not to mention hardly ever leaving the house cos I feel crap can all be explained by drawing the conclusion that I am depressed.. I cannot wait to get the prescription from the doctor for a 6000 piece jigsaw, and a copy of cross word puzzler monthly.

But wait just as I am getting this piece of news through my gray matter she then tells me that because I have anxiety attacks, and that I often have thoughts of being dead, that's being dead as opposed to killing myself which is not something I feel I will do, that she is sending me to see the psychiatrist just so that the fully trained head examiner can confirm that I am bored. Now I do not mean to be flippant and I did actually get some things from the appointment to think about that may in time help me, so despite feeling like I have not gained anything from the interview I am at least reassured that boredom is now a medical condition that is treatable and hardly ever fatal.

So then Yesterday I go and see my own g.p., for no other reason than to keep him up to speed with all the appointments that I have had recently, relatively important when I know that the chances of any formal letter from the outpatient clinic that I attended two weeks ago actually being typed and posted before I die of old age were negligible. It may be perverse and sad but the inner glow that I had when I found out that I was right, and no such letter from the consultant had been received was all the justification I needed for assuming that I as the patient should always be the one to break bad news to my doctor. Damn it he is my doctor and so it should be me that tells him that I am in no immanent danger and as a consequence we can look forward to many happy years together.

I also run by him the "boredom" diagnosis, he was sympathetic and offed to let me wash his car as a therapeutic way of getting a free car valeting for himself. I declined and did the standard patient thing which was to ask for better medication. He obliged with hardly a murmur. After handing over the script we got talking about how my anxiety will be feeding off my depression and vice a versa, also that I have most likely always had and always will have a undercurrent of depression that depending on things would either be dormant or active. I said things like "boredom" he said he thought what the boredom thing related too is that I over think things or worry about things too much. This was very reassuring as at that moment I realised he had totally confirmed everything that I had worked out about myself and why I might be depressed, it felt great to be told that I am as clever as I always thought I was.

It then hit me, if all the factors that make me depressed are the ones that I already worked out and take some steps to alleviate, things like trying to live each day as well as I can and not to beat myself up about things that I feel were bad or wrong, then when do I have the time to be bored, and if I am busy trying not to be bored then what the heck is going on. Am I now bored as a default option and even though I can be fully engaged with the cleaning of the house I am actually BORED!

Well after all that I put into practice the age old remedy for both boredom and depression, I went to meet Alan W in the cask & barrel. A jolly time was had helped by several beers, and a wedding party that came in and kept me and Al entertained by singing and dancing most of the night. We left about nine - ish and as a result of the hangover I had this morning I can truly say that I have not been bored once today.

Gonna write something political or activisty tomorrow so you have been warned.

How do you do yours?

I was looking through the past topics and posts on here and I notice that I am as bad at typing and spelling, as well as using the same size font or the same typeface. Another way of looking at it would be to say that I am as disorganised and chaotic on here as I am in my daily life. Which again is another way of saying that I like most other people have faults and some of those faults define who I am.

People do not come to me and ask me about the best way of completing their latest DIY project, they know that I would be as much help as a chocolate teapot. However people do know what I can help them with and they are always made welcome if they ask for my help. What I am getting at is the idea of difference and that we are all different with skills, habits, faults, likes, and dislikes.

So I will beg your pardon and I will continue to post complete with a range of spelling, grammar, and style mistakes, I would rather call them difference's but that's just me. I know some people get very excited about the rules of both English and etiquette. I would rather though people see this blog as an opportunity to exercise a little tolerance and experience some diversity.

However I will try and make my posts readable so I will endeavor to edit as well as I can, and no for my friends who know better than to ask me about DIY, I am not just being lazy I just do not have the capacity to learn the metric system or get all stressed about spelling and lay out.

Like a lost sheep Lambo wanders back to the fold looking sheepish and wagging his tail

I stopped blogging so long ago that I have forgotten not just why I stopped but why I even started, I do recollect though that I found the process of writing to be difficult. Now though I am finding not blogging to be just as difficult, plus blogging is something I want to do how weird is that eh!

It would be very sad and something of a miracle if events, life events, world events, and personal events had not taken place in the time since my last post and this one. So no surprises or miracles here, lots of things have happened in each of those areas. So much in fact that I will not even attempt to fill in the past all in one go. It is enough though to say that one of the main reasons for coming back to blogging is the therapeutic element.

I have been assessed as being even more mad and bad than my previous assessment, although in all fairness I knew that already but since I was not supposed to be listening to the voices then I ignored it and continued my downhill slalom between high energy and mental stimulus and the lows of feeling like crap and being unable to put one word along with another. I also still have a disability that I have had since I was born. This continues to delight by finding new and unexpected ways to provide me with evidence that I am still disabled just in case I had forgotten. So as well as new there is old also to talk about.

I want just to say though and it is fair to point out that this is the first rant of the session, that I am not blogging as therapy. Yes I did say earlier that blogging has a therapeutic element, but I do not mean nor will I be surprised to find that after doing this activity for a day, a week, a year even, that I feel no better. The point of the therapy is not to directly help, I could get drugs, or drink, or sex, or any other "quick fix feel better fr an hour or two" solution if what I wanted was a small glow of inner relief. Being clever with words, or ranting on "tinternet"is a therapy in the sense that it gets stuff out of my head. It is then my job to look at this stuff, explore it, discover what I can about myself from it, and then move on. In other words Blogging like any of the talking therapies is only the process, the results are found later possibly years after. Blogging is also a better way f passing the time than ranting at the dogs who only assume the hundreds of words that I mouth at them all mean food. Or sitting watching television for most of the day, broken by short spells of wondering where my life went.

I do want comments and feedback so fire away and keep breaking the silence!