Learning from the past

I am sitting listening to a radio phone in about the war in Afghanistan, as normal a range of arm chair generals and political leaders are having a portion of their 15 minutes. I have my views and as you would expect they do not coincide with all those on air.

One of the biggest points of divergence is history it should be something that people take as a point of reference not particularly a point of difference.
History is not a neutral subject, after all history is written by the victors so the saying goes.

Although in these days of twitter and other instant messaging systems who wins and more importantly how they win a war, a battle, or even a popular uprising is contested. Also national mythologies that add to the way that people see themselves using cultural queue's to skew historical fact is common, like the Balkan peoples who revisit ancient battles over and over to underpin their sense of victim hood, they do so not in the political sphere but in art, song, and poetry in other words their cultural backdrop.
The Scots are often accused of a certain amount of "chippiness" in relation to their southern neighbours. This chip was highlighted and deepened by Mel Gibson in his almost entirely fictional film "Braveheart", it might have done much to increase Scottish identity at home and abroad, and it probably increased the notion that the Scots were a viable people with a united cause even though no such thing as a homogeneous nation exists.

However Like the Balkans nations repeating the sins and the sinners against each of them, Mel and his "Braveheart" allowed the Scots to over look the inconvenience of historical fact being trampled underfoot. Much in the same way it seems to me that those who argue that we should withdraw from Afghanistan would have us do.

Their argument seems to be two fold:
1 No one has ever subdued the different tribes so why bother trying to now. Let's pull out and leave them to run their own country as they want, the price we are paying is too high.
2 Our troops are dying because they have the wrong equipment and or not enough of the right equipment. We should leave if we cannot give the troops the things they need, and it is the fault of the government that as a money saving principle will not fund the equipment.

My interest in these sentiments is not in the truth of these claims, or even refuting them. My interest is purely in the way that history is used to justify these stand points. History as I said is not neutral and neither is it meant to be reduced to mere facts and figures, a set of cold statistics, dates, blood lines, or litanies of who did what to whom. History is meant to be used to inform discussion not be the start and end point of a discussion.

An example would be the second of the 2 points of view: Historically the troops landing on the beaches of Normandy in 1944 had superior fire power, manpower, intelligence, and numbers of machines, than the defending forces ranged against them. However even with all these advantages plus the additional leg up offered by the inability of the Germans to committee resources and men as a result of being pressed hard by Russian forces on the eastern front, it took the allies over two months to break out at the cost of many thousands of lives, many more than had been bargained for.

In part this cost in lives was a failure to equip properly as the German tanks and artillery were much better even though fewer in number than those in use in the allied armies. their tanks for example could sustain direct hits from most of the armour in use by the allies, whilst the allied tanks were out gunned and less well armoured. It was also a failure in organisation in that the allies organised themselves differently and so therefore good practice was slow to be recognised and adopted, therefore lives were wasted by employing outdated methods and tactics. Above all though the Germans just like the Afghans had the natural lay of the land working for them not just in the way they were able to use them to their advantage, but also because they were able to adapt themselves more easily to suit the surrounding landscape. Hedgerows were littered with mines, booby traps, anti personnel, and vehicle devices. Many thousands of people not just armed service personnel died as a result, and many more suffered horrendous life changing injuries.

The phrase boots on the ground is not just a euphemism for more troops, it is an actual military imperative. You cannot clear out caves, or hedge rows from a tank. No helicopter will help you locate hidden munitions, or booby trapped vehicles, houses, or bridges. Human service personnel because they are human have always been the most vulnerable to damage, until they are no longer on the battlefield they will remain so.

As I said history should not be fixed or seen as something that has no lessons for now or for times to come. Perhaps history tells us to plan better, listen, more, fight much less. What it absolutely tells us though is that war, any war results in death. Those that want to use history to tell us that death can and should be eliminated by having the right equipment or more money being spent on equipment fail to acknowledge that history shows us only that equipment is only as good as the use it is put to, and the conditions that it has to deal with.

History has nothing to say though on why and where we fight. If it did it might point to the unification of Germany, or Italy. Both achieved by force of arms, both resulted in nations that although we may think of as being former enemies, will at least be recognised as working democratic, and stable countries offering a unique in put to the countries and people of the rest of the world. History might even lead us in a discussion on why we put up with the massive losses suffered on the first day of the Somme in 1916, a battle in a war that had people asking from even before war was declared.
"why we were fighting for a country that had nothing to do with them."
The invasion of Belgium was the official cause of our entrance in to the great war, because the British government had said it wold defend its allies if attacked.

If people would use history as a tool and not a justification for action or inaction, we might be able to stop armchair generals and prime ministers from wasting their breath. It might also allow us to talk openly about the value we place on life and if the death of one servicemen is one too many in the pursuit of ideals, then we need to be clear on what ideals we as a nation wish to pursue.

Busy week

So have not been on all week as with one thing and another I have not had the time.

Monday I went to one of my the three favourite cafes in Edinburgh http://www.caffelucano.co.uk/ to meet with Hazel. It was a humid day but no direct sunlight so not a day for the window seat from which tourists and workers can be observed passing to and fro. No problem as Lucano has a diverse clientele ranging from the odd person of uncertain means down on there luck as well as their uppers, through to very well to do members of the judiciary fresh from the proceedings at one of the 3 court houses close by. School children old ladies, working people in high viz vests, executives in expensive suits, women who lunch to mothers who gabble amongst themselves about children, homes, holidays, and others who are not present. Students at the university just up the road as well as a great many like me who are students of life and humanity. In short a great place for people watching.

As is my want I get there about 1 and a half hours earlier so I can get a plate of their fantastic minestrone, the people watching lives up to expectation but the minestrone is gone so it has to be lentil soup instead. Never mind thought its still a good plate of soup and lovely crusty bread.

Hazel arrives with a surprise she has brought along Kate hooray, long time since I have seen Kate so it is a real treat. Hazel and Kate recently decided to get engaged which is great news as it keep them both from hanging around street corners, and takes the stress of looking out for them both of us. Good for you both very pleased that you two are sorted. I just have to get, Sam, Gina, and Malkie sorted as well as the whole world poverty thing and then my work here is done.

So after a catch up very little of it about Hazel and Kate much more on Hazels course and job prospects, I left them with their beacon butties and went to do an errand that I cannot divulge much about at the moment. What I can say though is that the time was about 4.30pm by the time I had finished, I was hot thirsty and just a little stressed. I went to one of the many bars in the area I was in and had a bottle of very passable blue moon wheat beer http://www.bluemoonbrewingcompany.co.uk/ not as good as Belgian wheat beer, but it helped cool me down.

I must have been much hotter than I thought as 5 hours later having visited three other bars I got home, cooler but pretty much wasted. Ah well it's not like I have work to get up for, this disability thing needs to have some upsides or else it would be called normality and those who do not have mental or physical life affecting conditions would be the disadvantaged ones.

The hangover kept Tuesday to a minimum, although as penance I did hoover and tidy round.

Yesterday I went to a meeting at the housing association that we rent from. The idea was to give them feedback on the material that they produce. Well it was transport and lunch provided so why not. I did have another reason for going and that was to get a feel for the much heralded commitment to building communities and supporting tenants participation. I have been thinking for a while about seeing if people in the same development want to start a tenants group. We do not have many problems, litter, people leaving stuff in places they shouldn't that kind of stuff. However as this development gets older problems might start to appear, also were lucky that although we have a wide variety of tenants we have no real problem tenants. What if a family of thugs moved in? We would stand a much better chance of getting the situation sorted if we were a group not just individuals.

So the meeting was OK it covered the ground that it was supposed to, although the feeling that we were their to do someone else's job persisted for most of the meeting. It was the others who attended that interested me: On the down side I was the youngest by about 10 years which was a not unexpected disappointment. What also transpired was that every other tenant there took an active interest in both the development that they live in and the governance of the housing association, an unpleasant and unexpected finding.

A range of committees and panels exist to help guide the association which I am now thinking about getting involved with. Also as a direct result of yesterday and being enthused by the other tenants at the meeting, I am writing to all of my neighbours inviting them to help me set up a communal get together that will be part BBQ and part Ceilidh. That should give me the backdoor to introduce the idea of a tenants group.

Well that takes us to today as you see I am catching up on the blog, whilst I wait for the local kids to come out in numbers so that I can get them to deliver the flyer's about the get together.
I need to try and do some work on another writing project as well as blog on some of my friends who I have not introduced you too. Lots to do and little talent to do it with.

Writing what I feel is supposed to be part of the reason for keeping this blog in existence, some days though I don't know what I feel.
More accurately I feel nothing or what I do feel is so intangible, whispery, and formless that it is like a snowflake. It no sooner forms it's shape before it begins to disintegrate leaving an impression of something, but not a whole thing.

Ok so I am not being particularly clear, when I say I feel nothing it's like an emptiness a void that I have slipped in to. I have no emotions or no feelings about anything, or any one. People and events around me seem like they are behind glass and that I am only an observer. Even that notion of being an observer seems to active, a rock on the shore that sits and allowes the the surf to break over it is more me. I think I have identified that on those days I need human contact the most, someone to hold me or jut be with me, not talking or engaging with me, just allowing me to find my way back from the void. Who knows it might be a product of the boredom an extreme form of escapism, bored with me so become the environment or the actual space that I inhabit.

Trying to think and write about these feelings or that state of existence is very much like I am over analysing things way too much. My mind rebels at the idea of exploring this as I half convince myself I am making something out of nothing.

How it would be to be dead, the quiet and the stillness of being dead, the peace for me and others if I were dead, the hope that being dead is something that will take place in the not to distant future. Although this is warped thinking it is what I do so and feel, that aint nothing.

Again if nothing is there if I am BORED or imagining my own troubles how can I have got to a place where I hate myself so much. I have turned in on myself because I am bored is that it.

But then I was not always bored I have been active and engaged in life but still wanted to be dead, in fact in the past during the times when I was busy I would think about killing myself, how to, and where, and when. At least I do not go that far now, I still self harm with food and booze, I know the things that would change me physically and probably mentally as well. Exercise fresh air etc, so why don't I do them, is it because I am lazy fat and stupid that a part of me yells in my head, or is it I just want to be dead. I wish I knew.

Ok so it feels like I am rejecting the boredom answer, something has been wrong for much longer than I probably want to concede, Boredom does not make an impact on how I feel about myself, even when I do well I still feel that I should and could have done better and the reason I did not do as well as I should have is that I am fat lazy and stupid. I am fat lazy and stupid I don't deserve to be anything else than that. My past is constantly with me I will never atone for past mistakes, I will never allow myself to be free of guilt for things long ago done. I hurt myself now far more than I hurt any one previously, I will only stop using myself against myself when I am dead. This death thing does seem to come round allot in my head.

What this post has been about is mainly me experimenting with just sitting down and writing what ever comes in my head when I think about why I am the way I am. I doubt it will make any sense to me in a couple of days time so if it makes no sense now to anyone else that's fine.

RESULTS

It's both far too hot today and I am tired from not sleeping that well last night to do anything but wave the keyboard at the page.

But I do want to share something and acknowledge progress that I have made in how I think of myself.

Yesterday I met up with Matt, a long and dear friend of mine, we sat in the sun on a noisy corner in Leith where the Turkish guys have a shop. http://www.cafetruva.com/

In between acknowledging every third person who passed by Matt and I chatted about our different "takes" on the conditions and limitations that effect our daily life. These would be called disabilities by the wider world, but since we are the ones that experience them we call them limitations.

Matt did what he normally does to me, he starts a conversation that I think I imagine I see the end point to, he then switches it and presents me with a whole new range of ideas and only then do I see he was going in that direction all along.

In this instance he paid me a compliment on one of the articles on here, and said that it had helped him think about his own situation. With out too much effort I accepted the compliment and allowed myself to feel like I had done something good.

Last night I was talking to Samantha who again said that she both liked the piece posted yesterday, and that it had been helpful to see herself through someone elses eyes. Again with as much good grace as I could muster I accepted the compliment and acknowledged that I had done something worthwhile.

And that's the change right there, changing your mindset and taking control of your own well being has to include allowing yourself to be praised, and accept praise. Feel that you are valued from others and feel the burn of self congratulations.

Needless to say I have struggled most of my life to acknowledge that I have done anything of value, I still do not accept praise nor do I offer praise to myself as a mater of routine. It goes well beyond being my worst critic, it is part of not having a strong or robust self esteem. Also it is a founding pillar of my mental health problems. Never doing enough or never reaching targets or goals is another sign of how weak and shallow I am, it provides a large and heavy stick to beat myself with. Setting the goals too high though or not acknowledging the barriers to succes is something I never allow myself to facter in.

Thank you to both Matt and Sam for giving me the opportunity to hear positive things about my impact on them, I will try to be less critical of myself but I feel the journey to be comfortable with that part of myself will be long indeed.

"WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET"

Feeling better today so full post, I think that is probably shorthand for "I have no idea where I'm going with this."


So nowadays many sayings from computer speak have come in to every day usage, WYSIWYG is a prime example. In days gone buy it would have been "People take me as I am" or "Take as you find". They all mean roughly the same thing and that is that your dealing with the real thing, no pretense or falseness is intended. Sounds fair enough don't you think, good knowing that the person or the entity you are engaging with has no ulterior motive or hidden agenda.


We are probably far to used to being sceptical and cynical these days, not helped by the general feeling of powerlessness that comes from government and big business controlling and knowing more about ourselves than we are happy with. Our instinct would seem to be to trust no one or at the very least never take things at face value.


I want to introduce you to Gina and Samantha women that I have recently met. They each look and sound different, they live in different countries, they have totally different family and cultural experiences. Both because of their jobs would totally subscribe to the WYSIWYG ideology, in fact that's what there earning capacity depends on.


I met them through there work as sales reps, and was taken in like everyone else by the outward appearance and the sales pitch that they were using at the time. I happened to engaged them in closer discussion and found that one of my long cherished philosophies of life to be proved 100% correct again.

Each woman has experienced things in their life that I just cant begin to understand. They have coped with such emotional upheaval, physical and emotional pain, feelings of isolation and loneliness that frankly these experiences would have killed me, or I would certainly have killed myself. Each and every week newspapers are filled with the stories of women much like Gina and Sam, they are not unique in what they have each been through, the sad truth is though that far more people suffer the type of traumas and damage that these two have gone through than we ever hear about. It is also sad that when we do hear about these stories it is in often lurid and sensational reports that turn those involved in to the modern day equivalent of freak shows. The case of Michael Jackson's life and death are a case in point.



Gina and Samantha, are two of the loveliest, funny, intelligent, and insightful people I have met and I do not say that just because we agree on so much. I say it to shore up the point that I am going to make and that is, here we have a perfect case of what you see is what you get working on two levels at once. Both these woman are open and straightforward, if and only if you take the time and trouble to look past the mask that they show. With integrity and not an ounce of self pity will they tell you about themselves and their experiences. That's not to say they broadcast their private lives to anyone within earshot, or that they are so fragile from their experiences that they need to share with others at any offered opportunity. Nothing could be further from the truth, each is private and reserved only opening up to those that they believe will not mistreat the information that they share.


In many ways they share qualities with Jim the subject of an earlier post, the chief one being dignity, although Independence and self determination are both qualities that these two women share with what I believe to be the majority of womanhood.


My philosophy you see is that women are much stronger and much more capable than men, indeed not so long ago I told Sam that once the production of sperm can be achieved on an industrial scale with out men, that only leaves opening jars and dealing with spiders as our contribution to society. I am not making a new point here I think most men and women acknowledge the point that apart from the jar thing, there is no weaker sex. In terms of equality though women have had centuries of abuse, being treated like dirt, having family taken from them with out notice or explanation (Think wars and men being drafted or coerced here people.) as well as being the ones who by and large have been forced to start over with nothing sometimes two or three times in their life. I don't know if it is now a genetic trait that women cope or deal with things emotionally and practically in a way that allows them to function, if it is then that would explain why very few men show the same toughness and resolve.


Gina and Sam both have one last thing in common, and that is hope. Both are working their way towards something, they have goals and they have the light at the end of the tunnel. I cannot say they have turned their lives round that would not be fair as I think both have always been strong individual characters, so I don't see that they had anything to turn round. What they have done though is that they have not handed control to other people, or given away responsibility for their lives to others despite how it looked and felt at the time. Their strength though came from within, and their life was always theirs to take charge of. Many women find the same strength only after horrific experiences, some only realise they have that strength too late to alter they way their lives play out. I am very glad that both Gina and Sam will not be victims any more.


I said WYSIWYG works on two levels, the second level is something for the rest of us. Whilst Gina and Samantha and the millions of others like them get on with their lives we encounter them from day to day in a series of different settings. How often do we stop and really chat about ourselves, how many times does it occur to us that the person serving us in the store, the drunk on the street, the homeless person in the doorway, have a history that make them who they are. More pointedly how many of us would care, how many of us would tell them to get on with it like Gina and Sam have done, thoughtlessly and with no mind to the pain and the hurt it takes to move forward.
I think I know the answer to those questions, but yet on a day to day basis little acts of kindness and generosity take place in the world around me that knock my view that people are thoughtless and don't care about others. These little acts keep my hope alive that humanity is not doomed to lose it's ability to feel other peoples pain, or offer part of ourselves with no thought of reward


WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET works just as well when each of us thinks that it applies to us, and that what others see of us should be openness and friendship, tolerance and respect. Women like Gina and Sam show us who they are both on the surface and on deeper levels. They like the rest of us might wear masks to protect themselves, but unlike others their ability to be themselves and not pretend otherwise even though the temptation is offered and would seem an appealing option is why they are examples of the type of human being I aspire to be.

Gina and Sam are now friends of mine, although in reality we have never met, and we only know a very limited part of each others life's. We know about each other, rather than we know each other would be a better way of thinking about it. I hope we stay friends long enough for the three of us to meet, chat, and laugh.