Writing what I feel is supposed to be part of the reason for keeping this blog in existence, some days though I don't know what I feel.
More accurately I feel nothing or what I do feel is so intangible, whispery, and formless that it is like a snowflake. It no sooner forms it's shape before it begins to disintegrate leaving an impression of something, but not a whole thing.

Ok so I am not being particularly clear, when I say I feel nothing it's like an emptiness a void that I have slipped in to. I have no emotions or no feelings about anything, or any one. People and events around me seem like they are behind glass and that I am only an observer. Even that notion of being an observer seems to active, a rock on the shore that sits and allowes the the surf to break over it is more me. I think I have identified that on those days I need human contact the most, someone to hold me or jut be with me, not talking or engaging with me, just allowing me to find my way back from the void. Who knows it might be a product of the boredom an extreme form of escapism, bored with me so become the environment or the actual space that I inhabit.

Trying to think and write about these feelings or that state of existence is very much like I am over analysing things way too much. My mind rebels at the idea of exploring this as I half convince myself I am making something out of nothing.

How it would be to be dead, the quiet and the stillness of being dead, the peace for me and others if I were dead, the hope that being dead is something that will take place in the not to distant future. Although this is warped thinking it is what I do so and feel, that aint nothing.

Again if nothing is there if I am BORED or imagining my own troubles how can I have got to a place where I hate myself so much. I have turned in on myself because I am bored is that it.

But then I was not always bored I have been active and engaged in life but still wanted to be dead, in fact in the past during the times when I was busy I would think about killing myself, how to, and where, and when. At least I do not go that far now, I still self harm with food and booze, I know the things that would change me physically and probably mentally as well. Exercise fresh air etc, so why don't I do them, is it because I am lazy fat and stupid that a part of me yells in my head, or is it I just want to be dead. I wish I knew.

Ok so it feels like I am rejecting the boredom answer, something has been wrong for much longer than I probably want to concede, Boredom does not make an impact on how I feel about myself, even when I do well I still feel that I should and could have done better and the reason I did not do as well as I should have is that I am fat lazy and stupid. I am fat lazy and stupid I don't deserve to be anything else than that. My past is constantly with me I will never atone for past mistakes, I will never allow myself to be free of guilt for things long ago done. I hurt myself now far more than I hurt any one previously, I will only stop using myself against myself when I am dead. This death thing does seem to come round allot in my head.

What this post has been about is mainly me experimenting with just sitting down and writing what ever comes in my head when I think about why I am the way I am. I doubt it will make any sense to me in a couple of days time so if it makes no sense now to anyone else that's fine.