Rollercoaster

Wow what a few months I have had, feels like I have been on a roller coaster of events and emotions for such a long time. Some very big highs and some stomach churning lows as well as a lot of time flatlining.

So much to fit in and its not going to get done, so I have to choose what to do in this small attempt to get back to some kind of writing.

It's important to me at least to pay my respects to three people who mean more to me life to me. Who in the last 3-4 months have shown me what love and Kindness as well as passion and excitement are all about. All three though have also shown what being human is all about and also someone needs to read to the end to see that I am thinking of them also said. "Life is a journey and on that journey we take many roads. We never know where these roads lead and so we never know the outcome of our journey"

so I name Claire, Sandy, and Fabio. especially Fabio as I have never met the man although I will soon, yet through Sandy he has bean a part of my life for the last few months. He and I share many things but are never going to be in competition. We, so I am told have similar outlooks and views on how to treat people which fills me so full of happiness, I dont envy him or want to be him, I do not want to reduce in any way his ability to enjoy what he has. He has shown me something of myself that I do not acknowledge too often and that is I may be try and be sensible and "clever" but that's a pretence as we are emotional beings and that showing and talking about emotions is one of the most important things that humans can do.

We both know in our ways what is is like to be unsure about ourselves and not know what others are feeling and see that as a reason to be distant. However recently we have both tried to change that and have been rewarded enormously for our courage. I wish my new friend Fabio every happiness and a long life with a woman who is special to both of us and who needs you more than anyone else.

Working backwards here so it will be Sandy next, I have been so very stupid and not read what you have written previously as you meant them. This makes a difference not because it means anything different and not because it changes anything. But I gained a new insight by revisiting what you said, I now understand how much of a surprise it was for you to meet me and also how the result of that was again something that took you by surprise. If anything it makes me feel much more secure and more appreciative of your tenacity and desire to keep in contact even though I was trying to do my usual macho "let me be thing" Words I thought were something I did well, but you with help from others have shown me that I fear myself more than I can express in words. You are so special to me as you know, I hope you read what I say to Fabio and know that it applies to you too.

Well that leaves the last but not least in any way, the opposite in fact. Claire has been the one that has been on the receiving end of a lot of the highs and lows if I went through them, then she unfortunately came with me without being asked if she wanted to or not. If we never go on these roller coaster rides we never learn, I am as sure as I can be that we must keep learning and never become too comfortable with what we have and what we think. Sometimes it means you pushing me out of my comfort zone, being more proactive and less comfortable. It I hope will make us happier and stronger.
I say to all three that after the last week I know that I am loved and appreciated and I return it to you as best I can.

I want to say to Matt though that you were the one that talked about the need to write things down as well as the journey. I hope you continue to do so and that your journey is also helped by the people who love and care for you, I see myself in that group so I tell you I will be with you. My last week was echoed in a very strange way by your own, as we discussed. I found comfort and strength in talking to you I am here or in the pub any time you say.

Health and wellness to you all, I would wish happiness but thats as Sandy knows is not something anyone has to give to someone else .